CBT Experiment

So I got in an argument with my boss today. I finally stood up to his retarded micro-managing and gave him a piece of my... Well, okay, so it wasn't that dramatic. Maybe it just was for me.

I could feel the adrenaline starting to pump through my body. I could feel the hairs standing up. I felt like a crouching tiger ready to pounce. I think my boss picked up on it. I hate that this happened today.

So I'm trying a little CBT on myself to see if it works, because I'm really still upset about it even though he's probably forgotten all about it. Here we go...

Why is this experience so upsetting for you?

Because of the way it ended. I just said, "Okay, do whatever you want," and left, later saying "Just trying to help," prompting him to 'apologize' with a "Thank you."

But what is so wrong about what you said and what you did?

I didn't want him to have to thank me or anything. I wanted to stay mad and just let everyone else see what a jerk he was. And I'm mad that he made me so irritated that I ended up close to losing my cool in front of other people. It was embarrassing. Though, I think everyone else probably sympathized with me. Most of my colleagues agree with me about our boss being a micro-manager.

I think this 'altercation,' as you put it, was not so much a heated conflict as it was an honest exchange and argument of opinion. You've probably learned to 'make mountains out of molehills,' or 'awfulize' tense situations this way, because of the way disagreements were handled in your house growing up. Your parents' discussions were loud and occasionally physically disruptive. You have to remember that quality of yours; that you may be inflating things.

Let's get back to the CBT. Is it wrong for you to show your irritated feelings in front of your boss and your colleagues?

Well, people at my job know me as a dedicated, forward-thinking, positive person, and so I don't think a little expression of my negative feelings would color me badly in their eyes. They might even think more of me since it shows more character! It's just that it was uncomfortable.

Is it okay for things to be uncomfortable? Is it okay if you have to argue a little with your colleagues at work?

I guess it's okay. Lots of people have uncomfortable moments at work. Some people have colleagues gossiping about them, sabotaging their stuff, stealing stuff, or whatever, and bosses that are total pricks. My boss isn't a prick. He's just annoying.

Is it okay for you to show that you're annoyed with your boss?

Yes. Because I have done a lot of work for him and he has no reason to believe that I am malicious, hot-tempered, or ill-meaning in any way. He knows that I am a good person. So if I show that I'm annoyed with him, maybe he'll even take it to heart and realize that his micro-managing habits are exhausting. I doubt anyone's had the balls to make him see how irritating he can be. Heck, maybe we'll even see a change in him!

So, is it okay that you got irritated, that you stood up to your boss, and that you made a minor uncomfortable scene in front of him and your colleagues?

Yes. It's fine. I'm a good person, and if I show emotion like that, it means that it's really a legitimate response. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, this 'altercation' may just be a step toward having a more adult relationship with him and my older colleagues. It may even be practice for when I'm a teacher. I will certainly have to deal with some uncomfortable occasions then!

Cool. So I don't need to worry about it anymore. My conclusion was that there's nothing wrong, and in fact I may have done something really RIGHT!

Nifty, huh?

I Hate Weekends

Weekends are always the toughest time for me. There's no structure, nothing to do, and no one to hold me accountable. I'm free as a bird to do whatever I please. But pleasure doesn't come easily to someone who's clinically depressed.

So, I've been trying to make the most of it. Do the laundry. Vacuum the floor. Watch TV. Go for a walk. Trying to stay busy, trying to stay upbeat. But at least once an hour I find myself stuck like a rat on a sticky trap. I know what I wanna do, I know that I wanna get out, but I just can't muster the strength to do it.

I made my own croutons today. That was sort of cool.

Okay, well I guess I'm gonna go. I can't even enjoy writing this blog today. :P

Oops - I lost my drugs!

Crap! I left my Abilify in North Carolina!

Not like it really matters, anyway. I'm still gonna have tremors and "anxietous-ness" as a side effect, even without taking my pill today. So I've still gotta take the Benztropine. Whoopee!

Today is my first day back from vacation. I get to see both my therapist and psychiatrist. But before that, I have to go in for work for an hour. I'm really tempted not to go. But I know I'll be glad I did later.

Funny how the things that help you tackle anxiety and depression are the very things you loathe to do when you're anxious or depressed. You end up sinking down into a whirpool of misery. And your only lifeline is getting your ass out of the house.

Oh, well. I'd better get ready. It's better than sitting around and feeling sorry for myself.

78 Days Later

I can't believe it's been that long since I went crazy. Since I went totally nuts, tried to run away, and ended up at a mental health clinic. 78 days since my mother and husband sat there in a tiny-ass meeting room and listened to me spill my blackened guts to a complete stranger. I can't believe it's really been that long.

Once again I am sitting here in my bedroom, completely indecisive about what I should do with myself. Should I finish unpacking? No, I can do that later. Should I read a book? No, I'll just get bored with it. Should I shave my legs? No, I should be doing more important things. Should I apply for jobs? No, I don't feel like that right now.

So many shoulds. So much time wasted. My therapist told me that I need to have down-time, so that my mind can rest and I can go into the next thing with more clarity. But I just spent half an hour playing Halo 2, and I still feel confused and anxious. What am I going to do with myself?

Yesterday I bought SELF magazine. I thought it would help me improve my self-esteem. I read a bunch of it, and I think it helps, cuz I get to see that all these other "normal" women are having a tough time in life even without a mental diagnosis.

My self-esteem totally sucks. My mind is always berating me, blaming and guilt-tripping me over and over and over again. So I thought doing something "selfish" would help me out on that front.

I think I'll go take a shower and shave, and try to enjoy it AMAP (as much as possible).

Yay.