Weekends are always the toughest time for me. There's no structure, nothing to do, and no one to hold me accountable. I'm free as a bird to do whatever I please. But pleasure doesn't come easily to someone who's clinically depressed.
So, I've been trying to make the most of it. Do the laundry. Vacuum the floor. Watch TV. Go for a walk. Trying to stay busy, trying to stay upbeat. But at least once an hour I find myself stuck like a rat on a sticky trap. I know what I wanna do, I know that I wanna get out, but I just can't muster the strength to do it.
I made my own croutons today. That was sort of cool.
Okay, well I guess I'm gonna go. I can't even enjoy writing this blog today. :P
Monday, April 12, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Oops - I lost my drugs!
Crap! I left my Abilify in North Carolina!
Not like it really matters, anyway. I'm still gonna have tremors and "anxietous-ness" as a side effect, even without taking my pill today. So I've still gotta take the Benztropine. Whoopee!
Today is my first day back from vacation. I get to see both my therapist and psychiatrist. But before that, I have to go in for work for an hour. I'm really tempted not to go. But I know I'll be glad I did later.
Funny how the things that help you tackle anxiety and depression are the very things you loathe to do when you're anxious or depressed. You end up sinking down into a whirpool of misery. And your only lifeline is getting your ass out of the house.
Oh, well. I'd better get ready. It's better than sitting around and feeling sorry for myself.
Not like it really matters, anyway. I'm still gonna have tremors and "anxietous-ness" as a side effect, even without taking my pill today. So I've still gotta take the Benztropine. Whoopee!
Today is my first day back from vacation. I get to see both my therapist and psychiatrist. But before that, I have to go in for work for an hour. I'm really tempted not to go. But I know I'll be glad I did later.
Funny how the things that help you tackle anxiety and depression are the very things you loathe to do when you're anxious or depressed. You end up sinking down into a whirpool of misery. And your only lifeline is getting your ass out of the house.
Oh, well. I'd better get ready. It's better than sitting around and feeling sorry for myself.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
78 Days Later
I can't believe it's been that long since I went crazy. Since I went totally nuts, tried to run away, and ended up at a mental health clinic. 78 days since my mother and husband sat there in a tiny-ass meeting room and listened to me spill my blackened guts to a complete stranger. I can't believe it's really been that long.
Once again I am sitting here in my bedroom, completely indecisive about what I should do with myself. Should I finish unpacking? No, I can do that later. Should I read a book? No, I'll just get bored with it. Should I shave my legs? No, I should be doing more important things. Should I apply for jobs? No, I don't feel like that right now.
So many shoulds. So much time wasted. My therapist told me that I need to have down-time, so that my mind can rest and I can go into the next thing with more clarity. But I just spent half an hour playing Halo 2, and I still feel confused and anxious. What am I going to do with myself?
Yesterday I bought SELF magazine. I thought it would help me improve my self-esteem. I read a bunch of it, and I think it helps, cuz I get to see that all these other "normal" women are having a tough time in life even without a mental diagnosis.
My self-esteem totally sucks. My mind is always berating me, blaming and guilt-tripping me over and over and over again. So I thought doing something "selfish" would help me out on that front.
I think I'll go take a shower and shave, and try to enjoy it AMAP (as much as possible).
Yay.
Once again I am sitting here in my bedroom, completely indecisive about what I should do with myself. Should I finish unpacking? No, I can do that later. Should I read a book? No, I'll just get bored with it. Should I shave my legs? No, I should be doing more important things. Should I apply for jobs? No, I don't feel like that right now.
So many shoulds. So much time wasted. My therapist told me that I need to have down-time, so that my mind can rest and I can go into the next thing with more clarity. But I just spent half an hour playing Halo 2, and I still feel confused and anxious. What am I going to do with myself?
Yesterday I bought SELF magazine. I thought it would help me improve my self-esteem. I read a bunch of it, and I think it helps, cuz I get to see that all these other "normal" women are having a tough time in life even without a mental diagnosis.
My self-esteem totally sucks. My mind is always berating me, blaming and guilt-tripping me over and over and over again. So I thought doing something "selfish" would help me out on that front.
I think I'll go take a shower and shave, and try to enjoy it AMAP (as much as possible).
Yay.
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